


Broken yet holding on..

by dork_lancaster



Category: depression - Fandom
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Cutting, Depression, FTM, Gender Dysphoria, Multi, Other, Trans, Trans Character, selfharm, transgender ftm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-16
Updated: 2018-05-21
Packaged: 2019-04-23 13:34:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 1,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14333535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dork_lancaster/pseuds/dork_lancaster
Summary: I'm holding onto life by a string and now I swear someone is trying to cut it...





	1. 4/14/2018

Yesterday was hard, harder than normal. I woke up at 8 am to my mother telling me to get ready as we're going to the lake, the lake was 30 minutes from my house. My family takes trips there on the nice days because my sister and I can swim and they can walk around, but when we went there the swimming area was closed so we ended up with walking a lot. Yesterday was very hot, about 83 at one point. I didn't mind walking because it kept my mind off of a lot of things. Yet I was still so nervous about wearing a tank top out, I was a modest 10 days clean from self-harm. We were not even there for an hour before I craved the feeling of the metal blade that would slide across my skin like it was nothing. I wanted to see the blood run down my arm. I tried to forget about the urge and have fun with my family. We didn't stay at the lake long because my sister got tired so we ate the sandwiches we packed in the car as we drove to the ice cream shop. My sandwich was turkey, cheese, and mayo on to pieces of bread with no crust, what can I say I'm picky. My sister and I ended up dropping my mother from my grandmother's house and going to get milkshakes. I liked these time where is just Lynn and I, we would talk about everything and tell each other stuff we would never say in front of our mom. Those are really the only the time I feel okay with all the changes that are happening. We ended up getting my mom again and heading back to town. Our road was blocked off for an event that was happening so they dropped me and our two dogs off a block away from our house and I walked home. The walk was uneventful yet long because our pug, Elfiey, wouldn't walk so I had to carry her. I had about 1 hour by myself without anyone to stop me, I filled myself a bath and took my blades in with me. At the end of my bath, I had three new beautiful slashes on my arm, I put on my hoodie and took a nap. I guess I woke up around 11 pm and ended up cutting again. I'm not proud of that, I'm not proud of how fucking I am and how much pain I put myself through just to make everyone think I am okay. That's it for today. 

bye, 

L.J


	2. 5/5/2018

I woke up at 6 am today, even though it is Saturday and I have no reason to wake up. My cuts were in so much pain today, I decided to give them a good clean today since I was scared of them getting infected. Other then that my day was pretty okay, I went to go see infinity war and cried through the ending like a little bitch. My sister, Lynn, took me for my birthday which was on the 2nd of may. I've been 15 for 3 days and I already have a strong feeling to commit suicide. So after the movies, my mom and dad went out, but they were mad because we took the car and were late bringing it back. Sometimes I wonder why I am such a mistake why can't be normal and like myself. Why can't I smile in the mirror? I don't want to stop eating for days on end because I gained a pound or didn't lose enough. I don't get... I just want to be okay... 

LJ


	3. 5/6/2018

They wonder why I love the feeling of a blade across my skin. They wonder why I don’t eat and why I cry. They wonder why I’m so broken. If they would just look at how emotionally abuisive my parents are. How they ruin the only good thing I have. How they make me wonder why am I even alive when I honestly know I shouldn’t be. They make me feel like I’m so worthless and that I should just cut my wrist and bleed out. I feel like I shouldn’t be allowed to breath to speak to be okay. Why though? Why am I like this? Why am I so hurt? Why am I so broken? I don’t understand it! I don’t understand why I’m alive. 

LJ


	4. 5/14/2018

How much can one person take? How long can I live like this? I don't get, why me? Why our of all people me? I've been asking my self this questions for weeks on end now, ever since I saw someone who looked like Bruce, I was scared and pretty much clung to my best friend because I knew if anything he'd care. At least I was trying to make myself okay for a few months right. Last night though, I relapsed. I smoked a cut myself again. I don't honestly care anymore cause what's the point when your on your death bed anyway. My mother, she has been being nice, to nice. She made me breakfast one weekend, I didn't mind that, but I couldn't eat. I had ate that night so I couldn't eat anything without needing to puke and I hate doing that. In good news for the people who ate what I'm doing. I ate a ice cream yesterday. It was 108 calories, but my body still hurts from when I went running so I didn't do any pushes. 

LJ


	5. 5/15/2018

sooooo

I feel like trash. I went to take a nap around 4pm and I ended up sleeping to 7pm. I hadn't had any food since the day before yesterday so I knew I was probably gonna need something. I couldn't find anything that was big and had under 100 calories so I didn't eat and went back to my room. I just laid there and listened to music until around 2am when my stomach pain got to be to much to handle and I had to eat before I started to cry. 

I had a bagel and cream cheese. I actually liked it, but I felt really bad afterwards cause I felt like it was too much food for me. It didn't stay in my stomach for long anyway because I puked around 3am. Honestly I had no plan on puking, like I was gonna keep the food in me. That wasn't the end of my puking adventures cause I ended up dry heaving for a couple hours. I still went to school though, but I haven't eaten yet. I don't really plan on it because I know I can go longer without eating. It still hurts though, you know. 

Change of plans. My friend Olli just made me promise to eat dinner tonight so I guess I'm gonna eat. I don't want to though. He made promise that I'll call him so he knows I've eaten. I don't want to eat, fuck I hate it. I'm gonna do it thought just for him. Olli is my only friend who knows about my eating problems because I know better then to talk about. Okay I'm going to go now. 

L.j


	6. 5/16/2018

what if I don't feel okay? I don't know about how I feel about being alive...

L.J


	7. 5/21/2018

Last night was hard, harder then ever. The whole weekend I felt okay and ate a lot, but on Sunday night my friend, Abigail, texted me goodbye. She been in a hospital for awhile now, but the things the people there do to her scare me. She has had sex with many of the people there and she's pretty much called a slut. 

"I'm just doing what they want being a tranny slut and opening my legs for them"

She doesn't deserve this, she stronger then everyone I know and is pretty much is a sister to me, I begged her to stay, but she got mad at me because I told her I loved her even thought I have a girlfriend. She told me that she wants me to be there with her to be a slut like her and that we can have sex. If anyone knows me well enough they know that I'm scared of that shit. I barely like it when my girlfriend kisses me and she's my everything. The thing is I feel like it is all my fault because I'm the one who told her to go to the hospital to get help because she is a danger to herself. Abigail tried to kill herself which is why I begged her to go. She has scars on her body saying "Luke please come back" I feel so horrible because I caused it.

She told me that she is going to kill herself and that she is sorry. I was going to do the same if she did, I texted Olli goodbye and he called me. was so close to committing suicide that Olli had to beg me not to. He kept promising me that everything will be okay. Abigail texting me in the morning and told me that she is still alive and she is sorry about last night. I feel like it was all my fault... I should of cared for her and told her that people love her and that she will be missed. This morning this is what the text said. 

"Hey I'm sorry about last night I just felt like I wasn't good enough for you like I was to ugly and thats why you moved on from me to her.."

The thing is shes too good for me, she's beautiful, sweet, amazing, kind, and caring. Shes out of my limit, she is everything I wish I was. I wish I was there for her when she needs me I wish she could understand how much I love her. 

L.J


End file.
